I remember a business communication class I took a few years ago where my professor told us that when trying to persuade people in the real world, you should never utilize any of the techniques you might employ in a high school debate competition.  The reason being that to win debate competitions, you are required to create a bulletproof argument with the sole purpose of demolishing your opponents.  Although this technique is useful for scoring points in competitions, in reality it turns out it’s pretty hard to convince anybody of anything if they feel insulted and/or you come off as a know-it-all jackass.  Stephen Covey, the author of “The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People” sums it up best with “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

As both a more naive and close-minded individual in the past, my interpretation of these statements were initially a bit perversive.  I thought to get ahead, it is important to deeply listen to what your opposition is saying in order to build trust and make them feel good.  However, at the end of the day, of course your enlightened self is correct.  Therefore, it’s still your duty to convince them of your viewpoints, even better if you can provide counterpoints to what you just heard them say, in a nice and digestible way.  My views are slightly different now…

Hearing your opponent’s argument is not to make them feel good nor is it to beef up your own counterarguments.  Instead, it is an opportunity to genuinely learn and critically evaluate the premises of your own beliefs and perhaps adjust them accordingly.  Your inner debater will see this as a concession of defeat.  If your opponent’s objective is also just trying to win the argument, then yeah I guess in this context, yeah you’re the loser.  However, does it really matter if you won or lost?  Isn’t it much more important to learn something new?  I’m not saying to just roll over and concede whenever you find people who don’t agree with you; particularly true when when they’re doing debating in bad faith. However, it is important to recognize that persuasion in the real world should not be about debating, nor about exploiting flattery.  It should be seen as a tool to help arrive at the truth.  Therefore, sometimes it is ok to even persuade yourself that you were initially wrong.  This is harder than it sounds.  I, for one, am extremely competitive and tend to get emotional and hot-headed when engaging in arguments; but I strive to be better.